A New Road...

1 Peter 3...

Cultivate inner beauty, the gentle, gracious kind that God delights in. The holy women of old were beautiful before God that way, and were good, loyal wives to their husbands....Be agreeable, be sympathetic, be loving, be compassionate, be humble. That goes for all of you, no exceptions. No retaliation. No sharp-tongued sarcasm. Instead, bless--that's your job, to bless. You'll be a blessing and also get a blessing....Through thick and thin, keep your hearts at attention, in adoration before Christ, your Master.

4...

Since Jesus went through everything you're going through and more, learn to think like him. Think of your sufferings as a weaning from that old sinful habit of always expecting to get your own way. Then you'll be able to live out your days free to pursue what God wants instead of being tyrannized by what you want.


Have I ever really loved God? I've trusted, I've prayed, I've had faith...but I don't really know how to just love God! I've prayed for a specific journey, and I believe that God is now answering that prayer. It will be hard. Pray that the Lord will make me ready. Pray that I will follow. I'm afraid of where this will lead me, but I know that if I follow the Lord, then I cannot go wrong. And He will make me ready. God is asking me to be silent, and slowly I'm settling down and listening more. I must reject easy answers as the answer to this question will likely be much more difficult. And when God breaks through my thick skin, I will see and truly know Him.

I'll keep you posted...

The long road to forgiveness...

I've encountered a few incidents recently that have led me to revisit forgiveness, what that means and what that looks like. I know that forgiveness is a choice, not a feeling. And that making the choice to forgive doesn't guarantee feelings of forgiveness. But, can we also choose our feelings? And when we've forgiven someone, is there anything left to say? Can we say "I forgive you, but..."?
I think that before we make the choice to forgive we need to make a different choice: "Can I live with the decision to not confront my offender?" If the answer to that is yes then I'm ready to forgive. If the answer to that is no, then perhaps I need to discuss with my offender the pain that was caused me, before I can forgive. Before I can let it go. Once I forgive someone, the debt to me is cancelled. I am no longer owed an explanation or an apology. This does not free the offender, it frees me. I'm free from being a "debt collector" and then the burden is between my offender and God. Does that mean that bitter thoughts toward that person no longer rise in me? Of course not! But we must take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ (2Cor10:5b). We must stop in our tracks, pray for that person and choose to think well of them. And continue until this becomes habit, and eventually we go straight to good thoughts about that person without the process. We ask God to show us through his eyes, to help us love with his heart, and to help us serve with his hands.

I spent two years "perfecting" this art with the help of a prayer counsellor. I also spent a year learning how to counsel others. And yet it didn't take long for a huge fallout to happen and for years of bitterness and unforgiveness to set in. It has taken a long "global warming" (that one's for you earthforaliens;) to melt the iceberg that was my heart. As Peterson said in "The Message" learn the unforced rhythms of grace. Become a gracious person. I think that if I could learn to love as God loves and extend grace as He does, then I wouldn't need to do very much forgiving, b/c I could learn to dodge the arrow of offense.

People have often asked me about prayer counselling and what that looked like. I was reconciled to God as I forgave others and asked for forgiveness for my hardened heart. I found an old journal entry that sums up my experience:

"My prayer counseling experiences have all been very intense. It was difficult for me to even fill out the form to sign up b/c I was afraid to admit most of my confessions even to myself. I didn't want to believe those things about myself. I was also afraid to let go of the bitterness that drove me b/c I didn't know who I was without it. It was actually true that I didn't know who I was without it b/c I didn't know who I was at all. It was God who began to reveal to me who he had created me to be. As my counsellor probed deeper into my pain, I began to relive the experiences that I had hidden for so long. It wasn't even as hard as I thought it should be to go back there, b/c I could see Jesus holding my hand the entire way. God shone a light so brightly on those experiences, that I hardly look back at them and feel pain. Its a process, and I need to be reminded of God's grace and of His act of power in saving me from my past. I have to deliberately decide that I don't want to go back to what I once was, and slowly this is becoming a habit for me.

"The hardest part of letting go of bitterness was that I felt so much like I had a right to be bitter. I couldn't understand how God could just disregard the literal anguish in my heart and ask me to forgive as if it was nothing at all. The most significant thing that was said to me was 'they had no right to do that to you.' Once that was said, I was able to grieve properly, and it was so much easier to let go. Every time I had to let go of something and ask for forgiveness, it was like I was standing at the top of a repelling wall waiting to jump. I knew the rope would carry me, but it was still hard to trust it. As God drew nearer to me, I was able to let go, and then I was soaring in his arms. I could have taken the ladder down to the ground again, but then I would have missed falling into his incredible arms of love. It is this same struggle each and every time I have to forgive, but it is also this same reward each and every time." (April 2001)

Its amazing how these words continue to describe my journey toward healing. When I completed my counselling I so wanted to believe that I was "healed." But as I continue on in life I'm realizing that the "healing" I thought I had will only happen in heaven. And in the meantime I'm going to try to trust God for his wisdom and discernment in my encounters with others.

I hope this is an encouragement to you, fellow bloggers. God with you today!

"A smile...goes a long, long way..."

Mr. Man started smiling a week ago! It felt like a big present, like a reward for the "baby boot camp" that was the last few weeks! :) It's amazing, how suddenly things just got easier. I could never describe how much I love this little guy!