My Personality

Hmmm...interesting...

Search me, O God, and know my heart;

test me and know my anxious thoughts.

See if there is any offensive way in me,

and lead me in the way everlasting.

- Psalm 139:23-24-

C Jam Blues

Thought we'd start him early:



Just a little something to leave you all with while we are on holidays. I'm sure there will be much to report when we return!

This morning I was greeted with this:


Ephram has a nasty cold and was up a lot last night. So, Jesse got up with him this morning and let me sleep in. When I did roll out of bed (feeling ridiculous that it was 10:00) he made me breakfast! What a guy....what a guy ;) Jesse has been an incredible support to me lately, as I've been working through some things. Many times when I've collapsed into bed at the end of the day feeling utterly defeated, he'll pray for me -- which is just what I need. I've been reminded lately to not take him for granted, and since then I've been noticing all the ways that he cares for me.


Here is a shot of Ephram sitting in his new high chair for the first time. He loved it! I felt a little twinge of "he's growing up too fast." But the Bumbo was just too small for him, and eating is going much better in this chair.



A couple of days ago, Ephram reached for Jesse and said "da-da" at the same time. Our baby is becoming a little boy...yikes!

My New Toy

Today I used this fine piece of machinery for the first time! Yes I've vacuumed before, but not with such ease and such amazing suckage! I don't know if my floors have been this clean the entire time I've been married.

Our vacuum fried while we were cleaning our apartment after moving out. I mentioned this to my mom once and then my dad phoned to tell us a new one was on the way! What a huge blessing! Never thought I'd be so over the moon for something that cleans....it was a very "Monica" moment.

Last Night

was a late one for me. Ephram had a good night, and a long one, which makes this morning a lot easier. I was thinking about this:

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you a hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart."
Jeremiah 29:11-13

Especially the last verse. Seeking God will all my heart...what does this mean? I have "tried" to do this my whole life. Seek a little harder, seek a little harder... but I don't think that's what it means. There is nothing that I can do to find God...I don't have to look, he's already here! The light finally went on in my head that "seeking" isn't really something that I have to do, its more something that I have to allow to happen. I was created to glorify God, and I was created to seek him. That is already built into me. I have a purpose! "Yeah, yeah, I have a purpose, God has a plan, blah blah blah..." but now these words are truly impressed upon my heart. I have a purpose! What an exciting and scary proposition. And the time for it is not unlimited so I better get to it.

Where you lead me, I will follow...

Psalm 143:10

"Teach me to do your will, for you are my God;
may your good Spirit lead me on level ground."

When I was younger I wanted to be older. I have spent much of my life trying to rid myself of my naiveness. Now that I have shed some, I realize what a gift it was. To be able to look at the world with hope, optimism, and anticipation rather than dread, fear and trepidation. Not that I'm stuck in those things, but it gets a lot harder. At one time I believed that there wasn't anything that God couldn't do. Now I spend a lot of time trying to accomplish those things on my own, as if He's no longer able.

Now in the quiet stillness of the night, I wait on the Lord.

Regret is a terrible thing

and not something that I normally waste my time on. But in this moment I think its necessary for me to stop and acknowledge a wrong. I recently committed a careless action and in the process ended up hurting someone that I care about. I didn't even realize the possible ramifications of what I did, until yesterday when some random events seemed to fit together like pieces of a puzzle. And suddenly I felt terrible. I don't think the end result would have been any different, but the process by which this happened was all wrong, and I fear, perpetrated by me. And I deeply regret my carelessness.

The thing that I am struggling with the most, is that this behavior is so unlike me. I'm normally so careful. And then I start to fear what others will think when they find out what happened. But as I posted yesterday, I must continue to seek only the Lord, and trust Him. Trust Him to guide me. And trust Him to speak the truth on my behalf (and for others). And trust Him that His grace is sufficient for me.

A quote from L.B. Cowman this afternoon:

There are no enemies to your growth in grace, or to your Christian work, that were not included in your Savior's victory....Whenever your heart and flesh fail you, look up and claim VICTORY!

Its a good thing he's cute!!!

So, first you have to read my previous post b/c I didn't want this one to take away from it...but I couldn't wait to write about what just happened either. Ephram woke from his nap and I was reading blogs while I was having my cuddle with him. My leg suddenly felt warm. "Oh, he must have peed in his diaper while sitting here, I probably should change that soon." And then my leg felt wet. "Oh, he peed through his diaper again! Maybe he does need a bigger size (there has been a size 3 vs. size 4 debate in our house). My leg got wetter (a word?). And then I saw the mustard seeds on my pants. He pooped through his diaper?? How did that happen?! And, it wasn't even a full poop, it just shot out the side -- I guess he has good aim! :) Not a total crisis b/c we have our own washer and dryer now {as the choir breaks out in the Hallelujah Chorus}, but funny none the less. So, now I refuse to put clothes on him, until we go outside that is...as I badly need to do some weeding in my front yard (hee hee, my front yard).

The aftermath

So while I'm here I might as well continue on with my thoughts regarding our new house. I LOVE IT!! I normally like to go out and be socially active, but lately I just want to stay home, sweep my floors, wash my dishes (in my giant kitchen) and weed my yard -- b/c I have one! We are very happy in our big/little nest. Thanks God for providing!

And feel free to stop by to check us out if you're in the area! We also love company ;)

A "Proverb"-ial Idea

Proverbs 2:

...a personal bodyguard to the candid and sincere. [Message]

Then you will understand what is right and just and fair -- every good path. For wisdom will enter your heart, and knowledge will be pleasant to your soul. Discretion will protect you, and understanding will guard you. [NIV]

So -- join the company of good men and women, keep your feet on the tried and true paths. It's the men who walk straight who will settle this land, the women with integrity who will last here. [Message]

"The opposite of love is not hate, but fear." I have no idea who's idea this is, but I've heard it said many times. And I think its true. How can one truly love something that one is afraid of? If we are afraid, then we must not really know what it is that we are afraid of and would not be able to love it/him/her. Or is it because we know that we are afraid? Would this constitute hate? Hmmmm. I don't have an answer. Am I growing more comfortable living with the question as it is? Or am I living on the brink of losing my heart to fear? Perhaps a bit of both. There are many things that I am almost afraid of -- I'm just holding on to the Lord. Actually, I'm just waiting on the Lord. And in spite of my tendency to quickly grow impatient, I have no where else to turn at this point. And that is good. I must learn this thing that God wants to teach me. I really want to run around and "fix" it all, but I surely will make a much bigger mess. So I wait. And trust....well, try to trust. And keep my eyes FIXED on God. And know that God's got it all in hand and the truth will come out b/c it has to. And love (which is the most important thing).

As my beautiful friend Leanne put it: I'm too weak to have faith, but I'm too weak not to.

Carpet Swimming

Poor little guy wants to travel SO badly!

I have sat here many times

trying to write a new post. Trying to put into words what's been happening with me lately. But I have no words. I don't know how to pray, I have no words for that either. A valuable thing actually, to be able to pray without words. I'm sure the Holy Spirit has been doing much interceding for me lately.

I seem to have been stumbling down the road to forgiveness. I've been distracted along the way, and I've made excuses along the way. I've cried out to God to lift this burden from me b/c I don't know how to put it down. I've been looking for something that I need to do. And that has been a real struggle for me b/c I don't think there is anything that I can physically do. The change needs to come from within myself. And I didn't know how to make that change...I still don't. But my prayer tonight is this. Lord, help me keep my heart open so that you can impress upon me what I need to think/feel about this person. Another step towards learning the "unforced rhythms of grace." Grace...what does that mean? I understand grace from God, but how do I extend that to others...what does that look like really? I need to extend love and compassion to this person but its really hard to reach past the hurt I feel over what happened. I've tried to choose forgiveness without letting go of the hurt...and I got nowhere! Darn...that was supposed to be my easy way out.

So I think I've landed here:

To the person who hurt me: your debt to me is erased. I commit to praying for you and your family. Please forgive me for indulging in my hurt and for taking my sweet time to deal with it.