Somehow the enemy always gets to me while I'm washing dishes. It is standing at that sink where I find a rage rise up inside me. Tonight while I was in the middle of a colossal pile, the same thing happened, and I was praying--though somewhat distractedly--when God prompted: "stop, get down and pray...now." So I dried my hands and kneeled face down on the kitchen floor. And God met me where I was at. (If you've never prayed face down I recommend trying it. This simple gesture can unleash a lot from within yourself.)

I realized while I was praying that I often get this way while washing dishes. Curious, isn't it? I prayed over my sink (sounds silly, but felt important) and asked God to make that spot a sanctified and safe place to be. Then I realized that I often work myself up into a frenzy when I'm cleaning anywhere. And that I often clean to regain "control" over my life when something is bothering me.

The fact that this is coming back now is actually kind of a good sign. When I was in the deepest part of my depression, I had no need to clean, because I felt so hopeless there was no reason to "try." I need to commit that time to God, and ask Him to reign over it.

This is about more than just "cleaning in a way that honours God." (And believe me, I have rolled my eyes at that one more than once.) It is about the way I have submitted to Satan's beatings during that time. Its really about the way I have submitted to Satan's beatings all the time, in the last year (if I'm being honest). I'm starting to recognize him earlier in the "battle" than I used to...and its easier to resist him earlier in the game than later when I'm weary from the battle. And it is a battle.

Its difficult to describe what the last few months have been like. And its been difficult to be honest about, because I've been afraid. How do you share with others that you so deeply resent your kids? I changed so many diapers without ever even looking at their faces. I was angry at this imposition in my life, at this total loss of myself on every level. And separate from the kids, there was a war going on in my head all day everyday.

It was like being in the middle of a circle of "demons" and all day they hurled insults at me. It was difficult to hear anything over the noise. Often the voices in my head would repeat things that people had said to me over and over and over, changing it ever so slightly into something horrible. And while all this chaos was going on in my head, there were two little bodies who were constantly demanding my attention and adding to the chaos and confusion. This made it really difficult to respond to them with any sort of love or compassion, and I'm sad to say that many times I didn't. I didn't realize that I couldn't feel the love I had for them (even though it was there). I don't think I felt love at all during that time. It was horribly lonely and cold.

I am so so thankful for the gift of breastfeeding. Though there have been many moments when I have been irritated by having to nurse Bennett, it forced me to stop and bond with him when I might have otherwise passed him by. Bennett is a very emotional little guy, and he wears his feelings on the outside. He really is so affectionate and giving, and many days the small mercies of his little smiles and touches kept me going. Ephram is remarkably insightful for his age, and he has been able to decipher between times of my sadness and anger. He exhibits many signs of being a burden bearer (which terrifies me as a parent in terms of knowing how to raise him). So many times he held me up in prayer with the words "tain tou Mommy work" (thank you Mommy work) and I have no idea where he would have gotten that from otherwise.

About a month ago we really turned a corner. Bennett seemed to settle a bit. Words of deep love and affirmation were spoken into my life. During a prayer time with a friend the "voices" were arrested and silenced and sent away. And I began to hear God again. And with that Voice unveiled, life was breathed back into my bones. And now the good moments are measured in days rather than in minutes. I love my children with an overflowing abundance. It felt like when I got my taste buds back again.

While we were snowed in this afternoon, I sat on the floor with my kiddos and played blocks. Ephram and I were discussing colours when I thought to myself "I can do this. I can be a mom. And maybe even a good one." Today was the first time I have felt that way in months.

Dear Readers

I have so many things I wish to share with you. But one of the things that I'm learning to embrace is the complete loss of down time with which to write. And so the many many thoughts and ideas and dreams that are slowly coming together on paper will have to be shared another day. I hope it will be soon. In the meantime, may I share with you a song that has been sung loudly and a lot in recent days?

The Key

is to give thanks! As I get into the "Word of Life" (which literally breathes new life into my spirit) I find this:

Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus. -- 1 Thess. 5:16-18

This continually renews my mind and my spirit. I must remember not to rely on my emotions!! I must be feeding my mind with Truth, and asking God to penetrate that truth in every part of my life. At first giving thanks is like choosing forgiveness. You likely don't feel like it, but if you make the choice the feelings come after.

So last night, I reluctantly gave thanks for these circumstances. For what He is teaching me. And for the growing pains that come with it.

And this afternoon it is much easier to give thanks! In the middle of stain treating clothes from the second diaper explosion of the day, I found myself giving thanks:

For my two beautiful boys. One with a kind and thoughtful heart. And one with a sweet yet fiery spirit.

For my husband, who is, at this moment, in a piano room perfecting his craft. For his patience and discernment to pray for me and gently encourage me when I can see him struggling with my struggle.

For family and for friends who continue to encourage me the best they know how.

And for my God, who loves me enough to allow me to go through this. Trusting Him to preserve the memories of Bennett at this age so that I will be able to experience the joy of him in its fullness when this struggle is finally over.

Haha...and for my body in its current jiggly state! (Though I must admit that this one is a bit harder to truly be thankful for!)

The lie that I am told over and over on days when Jesse is away is "don't bother. No one wants you around." And then a toddler makes a mess and a baby cries and I want to come unglued.

Slowly this fog is beginning to clear and I can start to make out the image of who I normally am. I got my taste buds back this week. And after months of not even caring that I had no desire to create, I'm starting to once again. This skin that I am in almost feels like my own again.

Today is a beautiful day. Those are the worst ones. Its like a constant mockery and pokes my guilty conscience all day about who I 'should' be and what I 'should' be doing. I need to stop 'shoulding' all over myself.

Sundays used to be my favorite days. Now they're my loneliest ones.

Postpartum sucks.

The Cross

One of the main things that John and I used to pray for was the cross of Jesus between me and others. And with the cross in the middle, the entire relationship first passes through the filter that is Christ and can grow in beauty, love and health.

The last few months have put the cross between me and Linden Alliance. Which is why it is possible for me to continue on there.

And as I tried to move forward in relationships, "carefully and cautiously," I somewhat reluctantly prayed for the cross between me and others. Reluctantly, b/c I was afraid of what that might mean...would it become a barrier between us? But the opposite happened. The doors of communication were flung open and healing could begin. The need for my friends was replaced with deep love and a desire for their presence in my life.

This thought has passed through my mind many times this week: "where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is unity." Broken relationships seem to be more about us acting out of our woundedness and insecurity than about spiritual fruit.

We're not made to be alone.

a while ago...

...God starting removing things from my life. I no longer had church to depend on. Friends were busy with summer activities and things weren't "clicking." Jesse was traveling more often again. And due to postpartum I could no longer depend on myself really either. And even when I wanted to...I couldn't reach out. I just didn't have it in me.

This was an incredibly lonely time. And even though I prayed for it, I was frustrated. And angry. I took out my anger on those around me. And in the middle of my toddler-like kicking and crying God kept saying: "I did this. I did this. Look at Me!" And eventually I gave in to that.

Ok God. So what are you doing?! And why? I was still confused. But I realized that I could no longer be angry at others for something that God was doing. So I stopped. And I waited. There were many moments where I was still feeling frustrated, but I pressed on.

I joined a Bible study at a church in town. I had heard many raves about Beth Moore studies and I was excited to try something new. (Plus I was looking forward to a weekly Bible study as I wasn't really settled in any church yet.) The study has been incredible. It is really intense and scary. Its not an easy thing to look that deeply into yourself and dust out all the cobwebs. But I'm learning that anything buried rather than given to Jesus will become a stronghold in my life that will be used against me. Its funny to say that I'm "learning" that because I've known that for a very long time already. And somehow its just becoming real to me again for the first time in years.

And this weekend, God made it all clear. In a moment of panic I cried out to God for the answers and He gave them to me. He was bringing me to the end of myself and taking away everything that I depended on so that I would learn to depend on Him. And through that He will heal me of this anxiety that I've been tortured by for so long.

Suddenly I realized that the unhealthy one was me! And I saw where I had needed God and had instead tried to do things on my own in my confused and anxious state. The pain of the last few months was overwhelming and yet equally I felt relieved to have an answer. It was such an awkward cry that followed. A moment that can only be described as my "wrestle with the angel." And it did leave me with a "limp."

But when it passed, I felt this incredible release! I realized that this part of the work was complete. I'm now free to re-attend Linden Alliance, and to return to living my life. To try to repair broken trust and restore communion with dear friends. And ultimately to reach out with grace and strength. Not in fear or insecurity.

I go forward cautiously--discerning with the renewed mind and heart that God has given me. And carefully--as I'm still in a "limping" state and it would be easy to trip and fall. I go forward in Him. And I...

"walk on"

Learning to trust...

...God and the way He is shaping my life. Learning to trust...to really trust...is not an easy thing.

I'm part of an amazing bible study written by Beth Moore, and as I was doing my "homework" on the topic of Job God revealed this concept to me:

Its not about you, its for you.

That God in his infinite love for us, knows what we need before we ever ask. And not only in reference to things that I enjoy. I don't enjoy being broken. But it reveals the greatness of God's love for me, that He cares enough to grow me this way. And that if I focus on myself and wallow in self-pity then I'm unable to see what God is doing...and its all for naught. I must focus on God...

"Although he was a son, he learned obedience from what he suffered..."

(Heb. 5:8)

"Come unto me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

(Matt. 11:28-30)

"When everything was hopeless, Abraham believed anyway, deciding not to live on the basis of what he saw he couldn't do, but on what God said He would do."

(Rom. 4:18 MSG)